1. Elevators
- As soon as you push the call button, at least 45 Chinese people magically appear. I know Ninjas are Japanese, but I think they learnt the art of stealth from the average Chinese person waiting to torment a poor foreigner who wants to ride an elevator in relative peace.
- There is no such thing as politely entering. Elevators are a dog eat dog world here. The key is to see which elevator is closest to being on the floor your about to enter on and shoving your way to the front of the mob that is waiting. In regards to the Ninja-esque capabilities that I am confounded with, this means one second I am waiting peacefully and the next I am getting sharp elbows from a 4 foot tall grandma.
- The overload alarm MUST go off. It's not a productive ride unless 30 people try to jam into an elevator rated for 10. Then once it goes off, you must look condescendingly at the 5 people closest to the door until one gets off. You repeat the procedure until the ungodly squealing alarm ends. If you happen to be one of those unfortunate last people to get on (which I usually am, because I have yet to get over my silly North American ethos of letting women/children/seniors go first), you must glare back with stoic resolve as only the strong survive in elevators.
- The jamming of people leads to one of my biggest "gear grinds" here. There is no concept of personal space. If there is room for a limb, the better be a god damn limb in that space. This means that the average elevator ride includes an uncomfortable fondling of my junk by some pre-pubecent teens wrist watch, a grandma's shoulder (the same one that fed me elbows earlier) in my a-hole and some random dudes face (whose breathe is usually less than rosey) 2 inches from mine. Top it all off, they stare at you for the ENTIRE ride. I know I maybe white, and have facial hair, but you have all you need in 2 floors not 17.
- Due to the fact that that 25 people have made it onto an elevator designed for 10, you have to stop at EVERY floor. This is especially frustrating when you're getting off on the 2nd top floor.
- There is no shame in passing gas. Apparently there is no better time to drop a bomb than when crammed into a 5x5 square foot enclosure with 24 of your favorite strangers. I know this sounds hypocritical coming from me (I admit, there is a certain "charm" in trapping your buddy in an acid cloud for a few floors, and my cubicle crop dusting is some what well known), but its not cool when you're packed in like cattle and it has time to dissipate before the ride is over. It's hot and steamy enough with out the added ambiance.
2) Line ups
- I always thought the key to line up was that you entered at the end and it was a way to ensure the next to arrive was the next to get served. Silly me.
- Here a line up is the general area where you wait and then when you see an opening you pounce. It is the same concept as the elevator.
- When some one cuts in front of you, you MUST give the "what the f are you doing. Don't you know I will gouge out your eyes if you even think your getting through here faster than me?" stare.
- Once you give that look, then you get the automatic "oh I didn't realize you were in line" pout. Yeah right, I just like hanging out in 7-11's, holding bottles of Coke Zero. Beat it.
3) Not being able to walk around alone
- No, I am not a pussy and I am not scared to go out after 2 in the afternoon.
- What I am is a guy who doesn't want a lady massage, tour guide, a Gucci bag, a little red book of Mao, a map of the bars in Beijing (just walk 5 steps and you can find one on your own), some creepy looking meat/veggie/general inanimate object on stick or some random piece of bamboo.
- I admit that I don't mind it if I'm just cruising checking things out, but if I'm power walking, let me be. I have a destination and I don't want to show up chewing on something gross, or with a hooker, or with a piece of wood.
- I have the destination written in Chinese. I have a map that I am pointing out the location I am trying to get to. I have gone the same route 15 times. I know I said the location correctly in Chinese (I practiced 20 times with a co-worker). The fact that you can't speak english doesn't make you less of a douche bag.
- I know I am partially to blame as I should be able to say turn left, turn right, go straight and stop, but I'm venting.
- Search images on google for "what grinds my gears" you get a billion blogs using the same (ish) picture. Dammit.
I don't want it to sound like I'm trashing China. I like it. For the most part, the people are really friendly and very helpful.
So, to leave this on a positive note (ah, yes the eternal optimist. Is the glass half full or is it half empty? Who gives a shit, it's just a glass and it's going to quench my just thirst the same), here are 5 of my favorite things about being here so far:
1) The food- The Kung Pao chicken is still my favorite. The real stuff has these peppercorns in it that makes your mouth go numb. It's quite the experience. The only disheartening thing is that the place that I have had the best so far, I found out, is like the Chinese equivalent to Moxies. Still damn good though.
- Some of the best food I've had was served in the biggest dumps. Chinese people will always try and take you some where nice (I know, shocking), but nice to them means expensive and "good environment" (aka they supply ashtrays so you don't ash on the table/floor and the walls have a fresh coat of paint). For the real goods ask them to take you to a place where they eat.
- NEVER ask what it is until after you try it. Duck feet are actually quite good, but I wouldn't have given them the time of day if I asked first.
2) Movies
- Yes mom, they are ripped off, but that isn't illegal(ish) in China. I bought Taken, Watchmen, Rockanrolla, Paul Bart, Benjerman Button, Slumdog Millionare, Gladiator, Role Models, Valkerie, and the one about the dog with Jennifer Anniston and Owen Wilson for a whopping $11 CDN. If you don't mind the occasional flash of "for screening purposes only", the quality is awesome
- Room service, maid service and laundry service. Apparently, it's expensive. Room service costs me around $1o a meal, maid service is included in my rent, and to have all my clothes washed (3 large suite cases worth) and dry cleaned is $40. I'll take it.
- I like the fact that before I sat down to write this I was driven home by my driver, I changed, went to work out (for real, I'm gonna scream like a little girl when I move tomorrow,but..), had a quick dip in the pool followed by a 20 minute steam, showered (in the building for free) and am now sitting in the bar that is attached, eating a salad (no poutine here Kozak, otherwise I'd be all over it) and chicken nuggets (China style. Think pork bites that are made of chicken) and sipping on a rye and diet coke. This place is also expensive. Its going to set me back $20 if I have 4 ryes, plus my meal.
- I can be at Sulintun (the best bar/restaurant street in Beijing) in 10 minutes walking. I have an english bookstore that serves food and booze, a 5 minute walk away and 7-11 is around the corner. Location, location, location.
4) I have a driver
- Who cares if he doesn't speak english. He drives my sorry ass around and we have developed quite the good mix of english (Tomorrow tomorrow means 2 days from now, okay means okay, traffic jam means f**k this traffic sucks), Chinese (I now know 1 to 10 in Chinese plus the symbols for each, how to say thank you and "stupid c**t" for when you get cut off while stuck in a traffic jam) and charades.
5) I start work at 9.
- Self explanatory.
Well, I have rambled on enough. I was told I need to post more frequently and I don't want to use up all my good material (only?!?!) here, so until next time. Thanks for reading and feel free to fire me an email. The address is rob_paras@yahoo.ca.
Random thought of the day:
3 Million people take taxis per day here. I have nothing witty to say in regards to this, it's just staggering. Needless to say, you don't have to wait long for one...
