Happy Labour Day... I'm coming home

Okay, I admit the lack of posts has long passed the point of laziness and is now bordering on ridiculous. I have a long litany of excuses, but I will not bore you with them and get right into this.

It's time for another national holiday here in China, and unlike Tomb Sweeping Day, I've decided that this would be the perfect time to flee the country and head back to the motherland to recharge. No slagging meant to my new adopted country, but damn it's going to be nice to have a week back in Calgary. So in honour of my impending departure, here is a list of the top 10 things I'm looking forward to upon my return:

1. Fresh Air - In the 9 weeks that I have been living in China I have been blessed (and after you see nothing but grey sky for a week, it really becomes a blessing) with a grand total of 10 days of blue sky. My favorite part of this phenomenon is that the locals are always trying to pawn the grey gloominess off as dust. Beijing is not smoggy. No, no, its dust from the Gobi Desert. My ass. Sure it's dust and has absolutely nothing to do with the factories chugging out exhaust fumes, the 7 million cars on the road, or the coal being burnt in the apartment buildings...

2. A&W Poutine - Ah yes, I can feel my arteries hardening already in anticipation of the cheesy gravy goodness. You can find any type of food known to man here other than poutine. You ask for cheese and gravy on fries and people look at you like you should be wearing a JOFA helmet. Duck tongues are cool, but cheese and gravy?! Gross.

3. Sarcasm - I have come to realize that people have to be fluent in a language for sarcasm to be effective. I can't wait to be home where I can be an asshole and have people understand it. I find sarcasm loses it's edge when you have to explain it.

4. Friends and Family - Enough said.

5. Lack of people/peace - 16 Million people can get a bit taxing at times, especially when they all decide to congregate where you are trying to go. Add to this the fact that Beijing is constantly on the go 24 hours a day (traffic at 3 AM is comparable to rush hour in Calgary, and using your horn is a MUST), and construction NEVER stops (there are 3 new towers on the go around my apartment), I can't wait to sit outside after 10 PM on a week day and see no one and hear nothing. Bliss.

6. Knowing exactly what I am eating - As I have repeated, I like the food here. For the most part. The one thing I don't like is asking "What is this?" and getting the response "I don't know what it is in English, just eat it. It's good". A lot of the time it's not, especially when a Chinese person says that it's good for your private parts. If you every come here and hear those words, just walk away.

7. Steak - Beef here blows and that's not just my Alberta pride talking. Aussie beef is the best you can get and it is still crap compared to the fine Triple Grade A Alberta Finest.

8. Soft beds - Apparently it is a rule in Asia that the bed mattress must be only slightly more comfortable than sleeping on a rock. The pillows aren't much better.

9. Diet drinks other than Diet Coke - For a country where Diabetes is a near epidemic, there is nothing sugar free. No juice, no pop (I mean soda), no nothing. I'm gonna have to load up on the crystal light when I'm home.

10. Traffic - I can't wait to get into a car and not fear for my life. It will also be nice to be able to go more than 5 meters without someone wailing on a horn. They honk for everything. Hey, I'm coming up behind you, HHHHOOOONNNNKKKK. Hey, I'm changing lanes, HHHHOOOOONNNNKK. Hey you cut me off and I hope you die, HHHHOOOOONNNNKKK.

11. Finding clothes that fit - Every thing in China is specially designed for the "Asian Body Type" (yes, shocking, I know) which means XL is usually like spandex.

12. Not sticking out - Blond hair, blue eyes and facial hair. Not so common here.

13. Mountains - Beijing is only 45 minutes from the mountains, but you would never know it. With all the "dust" you can hardly see 3 blocks most days.

14. Clamato Juice - $17 CDN for a litre. The 26oz's of vodka is the cheap part of a Caesar here.

15. Slang - It's like sarcasm, not nearly as fun if you have to explain it.

Okay, I said 10, but I gave you an extra 5 (I like you, you have good smile) for free and could have gone on for another 15 easily. Needless to say, I pretty excited to becoming home.

Well, that's it for now and I hope to see you while I'm back.