Happy Labour Day... I'm coming home

Okay, I admit the lack of posts has long passed the point of laziness and is now bordering on ridiculous. I have a long litany of excuses, but I will not bore you with them and get right into this.

It's time for another national holiday here in China, and unlike Tomb Sweeping Day, I've decided that this would be the perfect time to flee the country and head back to the motherland to recharge. No slagging meant to my new adopted country, but damn it's going to be nice to have a week back in Calgary. So in honour of my impending departure, here is a list of the top 10 things I'm looking forward to upon my return:

1. Fresh Air - In the 9 weeks that I have been living in China I have been blessed (and after you see nothing but grey sky for a week, it really becomes a blessing) with a grand total of 10 days of blue sky. My favorite part of this phenomenon is that the locals are always trying to pawn the grey gloominess off as dust. Beijing is not smoggy. No, no, its dust from the Gobi Desert. My ass. Sure it's dust and has absolutely nothing to do with the factories chugging out exhaust fumes, the 7 million cars on the road, or the coal being burnt in the apartment buildings...

2. A&W Poutine - Ah yes, I can feel my arteries hardening already in anticipation of the cheesy gravy goodness. You can find any type of food known to man here other than poutine. You ask for cheese and gravy on fries and people look at you like you should be wearing a JOFA helmet. Duck tongues are cool, but cheese and gravy?! Gross.

3. Sarcasm - I have come to realize that people have to be fluent in a language for sarcasm to be effective. I can't wait to be home where I can be an asshole and have people understand it. I find sarcasm loses it's edge when you have to explain it.

4. Friends and Family - Enough said.

5. Lack of people/peace - 16 Million people can get a bit taxing at times, especially when they all decide to congregate where you are trying to go. Add to this the fact that Beijing is constantly on the go 24 hours a day (traffic at 3 AM is comparable to rush hour in Calgary, and using your horn is a MUST), and construction NEVER stops (there are 3 new towers on the go around my apartment), I can't wait to sit outside after 10 PM on a week day and see no one and hear nothing. Bliss.

6. Knowing exactly what I am eating - As I have repeated, I like the food here. For the most part. The one thing I don't like is asking "What is this?" and getting the response "I don't know what it is in English, just eat it. It's good". A lot of the time it's not, especially when a Chinese person says that it's good for your private parts. If you every come here and hear those words, just walk away.

7. Steak - Beef here blows and that's not just my Alberta pride talking. Aussie beef is the best you can get and it is still crap compared to the fine Triple Grade A Alberta Finest.

8. Soft beds - Apparently it is a rule in Asia that the bed mattress must be only slightly more comfortable than sleeping on a rock. The pillows aren't much better.

9. Diet drinks other than Diet Coke - For a country where Diabetes is a near epidemic, there is nothing sugar free. No juice, no pop (I mean soda), no nothing. I'm gonna have to load up on the crystal light when I'm home.

10. Traffic - I can't wait to get into a car and not fear for my life. It will also be nice to be able to go more than 5 meters without someone wailing on a horn. They honk for everything. Hey, I'm coming up behind you, HHHHOOOONNNNKKKK. Hey, I'm changing lanes, HHHHOOOOONNNNKK. Hey you cut me off and I hope you die, HHHHOOOOONNNNKKK.

11. Finding clothes that fit - Every thing in China is specially designed for the "Asian Body Type" (yes, shocking, I know) which means XL is usually like spandex.

12. Not sticking out - Blond hair, blue eyes and facial hair. Not so common here.

13. Mountains - Beijing is only 45 minutes from the mountains, but you would never know it. With all the "dust" you can hardly see 3 blocks most days.

14. Clamato Juice - $17 CDN for a litre. The 26oz's of vodka is the cheap part of a Caesar here.

15. Slang - It's like sarcasm, not nearly as fun if you have to explain it.

Okay, I said 10, but I gave you an extra 5 (I like you, you have good smile) for free and could have gone on for another 15 easily. Needless to say, I pretty excited to becoming home.

Well, that's it for now and I hope to see you while I'm back.

It's Friday Night... And you're getting ready for work

Like a sucker. The best part of being 14 hours ahead of Calgary is that while you're getting ready to put in that long, ardous shift, I'm sitting here sitting here sipping on a glass of wine, listening to a new CD and spewing random sh*t.

The worst part of being 14 hours ahead of Calgary is that Monday comes 14 hours earlier. That isn't cool.

So what does a fella do on a Friday night when he is rolling solo in the bustling metropolis of Beijing you ask? Alright, so you didn't ask, but you're gonna find out anyways as you're the dumb ass subjecting yourself to reading it...

• I got back from the office at 6:30 (Starting at 9 is like being 14 hours ahead, good when it's what you want and crap when it isn't. Working until 6 on Friday sucks), changed and headed out.
• I walked down to the Village, Beijing's newest western style shopping mecca. It's a nice 10ish minute walk and when you jam in the i-pod ear phones, it flies. As a side bar there is something surreal about walking around here with Courtney Love screaming in your ears.
• After a quick nosh at Mickey D's (ah yes, Chicken Mc Nuggets are as glorious here as home. The difference is they aren't as greasy and the only sauce you get with it is this sweet garlic deal), I headed to the movie store and got another 10 movies and 2 CD's.
• I follow that up with a trip into the world's largest Adidas store. 4 floors of everything you could every want made by Adidas. Yes Mikey, 100's of different pairs of kicks and they have an entire floor of originals that are produced for 1 year and only sold in the 5 stores.
• Headed home and stopped at 7-11 to pick a bottle of high class merlot (How I love thee Concha Y Toro), the best wine that $6 CDN can get here.
• After I finish this I am going to watch 2 movies, go to bed and get up.

Yes, it really is exciting as it sounds. I was told that my posts are to long, so I'm gonna wrap this up. Think of it as a teaser, as I have a couple good things to go off about later in the weekend that will give you something to waste time at work (I mean at home, of course, naturally. Who uses company time to read silly blogs. Not this kid. Nope. No way. Not how I roll. Nada. Never.) on Monday.

Random thought of the day:

How do you know when the first person to translate Chinese didn't mess up on a few words? Could it possible that when I am saying thanks in Chinese, I not really saying suck it a-hole? I doubt it, but I'm pretty sure with my horrible pronounciation, I've said something terrible that was just smiled and nodded to while they think I'm a complete douche.

Have fun at work suckers!

You know what really grinds my gears?

1. Elevators

• As soon as you push the call button, at least 45 Chinese people magically appear. I know Ninjas are Japanese, but I think they learnt the art of stealth from the average Chinese person waiting to torment a poor foreigner who wants to ride an elevator in relative peace.
• There is no such thing as politely entering. Elevators are a dog eat dog world here. The key is to see which elevator is closest to being on the floor your about to enter on and shoving your way to the front of the mob that is waiting. In regards to the Ninja-esque capabilities that I am confounded with, this means one second I am waiting peacefully and the next I am getting sharp elbows from a 4 foot tall grandma.
• The overload alarm MUST go off. It's not a productive ride unless 30 people try to jam into an elevator rated for 10. Then once it goes off, you must look condescendingly at the 5 people closest to the door until one gets off. You repeat the procedure until the ungodly squealing alarm ends. If you happen to be one of those unfortunate last people to get on (which I usually am, because I have yet to get over my silly North American ethos of letting women/children/seniors go first), you must glare back with stoic resolve as only the strong survive in elevators.
• The jamming of people leads to one of my biggest "gear grinds" here. There is no concept of personal space. If there is room for a limb, the better be a god damn limb in that space. This means that the average elevator ride includes an uncomfortable fondling of my junk by some pre-pubecent teens wrist watch, a grandma's shoulder (the same one that fed me elbows earlier) in my a-hole and some random dudes face (whose breathe is usually less than rosey) 2 inches from mine. Top it all off, they stare at you for the ENTIRE ride. I know I maybe white, and have facial hair, but you have all you need in 2 floors not 17.
• Due to the fact that that 25 people have made it onto an elevator designed for 10, you have to stop at EVERY floor. This is especially frustrating when you're getting off on the 2nd top floor.
• There is no shame in passing gas. Apparently there is no better time to drop a bomb than when crammed into a 5x5 square foot enclosure with 24 of your favorite strangers. I know this sounds hypocritical coming from me (I admit, there is a certain "charm" in trapping your buddy in an acid cloud for a few floors, and my cubicle crop dusting is some what well known), but its not cool when you're packed in like cattle and it has time to dissipate before the ride is over. It's hot and steamy enough with out the added ambiance.

2) Line ups

• I always thought the key to line up was that you entered at the end and it was a way to ensure the next to arrive was the next to get served. Silly me.
• Here a line up is the general area where you wait and then when you see an opening you pounce. It is the same concept as the elevator.
• When some one cuts in front of you, you MUST give the "what the f are you doing. Don't you know I will gouge out your eyes if you even think your getting through here faster than me?" stare.
• Once you give that look, then you get the automatic "oh I didn't realize you were in line" pout. Yeah right, I just like hanging out in 7-11's, holding bottles of Coke Zero. Beat it.

3) Not being able to walk around alone

• No, I am not a pussy and I am not scared to go out after 2 in the afternoon.
• What I am is a guy who doesn't want a lady massage, tour guide, a Gucci bag, a little red book of Mao, a map of the bars in Beijing (just walk 5 steps and you can find one on your own), some creepy looking meat/veggie/general inanimate object on stick or some random piece of bamboo.
• I admit that I don't mind it if I'm just cruising checking things out, but if I'm power walking, let me be. I have a destination and I don't want to show up chewing on something gross, or with a hooker, or with a piece of wood.

4) Cab drivers out to hose you

• I have the destination written in Chinese. I have a map that I am pointing out the location I am trying to get to. I have gone the same route 15 times. I know I said the location correctly in Chinese (I practiced 20 times with a co-worker). The fact that you can't speak english doesn't make you less of a douche bag.
• I know I am partially to blame as I should be able to say turn left, turn right, go straight and stop, but I'm venting.

5) When I came up with this idea, I realized I'm not as witty as I think.

• Search images on google for "what grinds my gears" you get a billion blogs using the same (ish) picture. Dammit.

I don't want it to sound like I'm trashing China. I like it. For the most part, the people are really friendly and very helpful.

So, to leave this on a positive note (ah, yes the eternal optimist. Is the glass half full or is it half empty? Who gives a shit, it's just a glass and it's going to quench my just thirst the same), here are 5 of my favorite things about being here so far:

1) The food

• The Kung Pao chicken is still my favorite. The real stuff has these peppercorns in it that makes your mouth go numb. It's quite the experience. The only disheartening thing is that the place that I have had the best so far, I found out, is like the Chinese equivalent to Moxies. Still damn good though.
• Some of the best food I've had was served in the biggest dumps. Chinese people will always try and take you some where nice (I know, shocking), but nice to them means expensive and "good environment" (aka they supply ashtrays so you don't ash on the table/floor and the walls have a fresh coat of paint). For the real goods ask them to take you to a place where they eat.
• NEVER ask what it is until after you try it. Duck feet are actually quite good, but I wouldn't have given them the time of day if I asked first.

2) Movies

• Yes mom, they are ripped off, but that isn't illegal(ish) in China. I bought Taken, Watchmen, Rockanrolla, Paul Bart, Benjerman Button, Slumdog Millionare, Gladiator, Role Models, Valkerie, and the one about the dog with Jennifer Anniston and Owen Wilson for a whopping $11 CDN. If you don't mind the occasional flash of "for screening purposes only", the quality is awesome

3) My apartment

• Room service, maid service and laundry service. Apparently, it's expensive. Room service costs me around $1o a meal, maid service is included in my rent, and to have all my clothes washed (3 large suite cases worth) and dry cleaned is $40. I'll take it.
• I like the fact that before I sat down to write this I was driven home by my driver, I changed, went to work out (for real, I'm gonna scream like a little girl when I move tomorrow,but..), had a quick dip in the pool followed by a 20 minute steam, showered (in the building for free) and am now sitting in the bar that is attached, eating a salad (no poutine here Kozak, otherwise I'd be all over it) and chicken nuggets (China style. Think pork bites that are made of chicken) and sipping on a rye and diet coke. This place is also expensive. Its going to set me back $20 if I have 4 ryes, plus my meal.
• I can be at Sulintun (the best bar/restaurant street in Beijing) in 10 minutes walking. I have an english bookstore that serves food and booze, a 5 minute walk away and 7-11 is around the corner. Location, location, location.

4) I have a driver

• Who cares if he doesn't speak english. He drives my sorry ass around and we have developed quite the good mix of english (Tomorrow tomorrow means 2 days from now, okay means okay, traffic jam means f**k this traffic sucks), Chinese (I now know 1 to 10 in Chinese plus the symbols for each, how to say thank you and "stupid c**t" for when you get cut off while stuck in a traffic jam) and charades.

5) I start work at 9.

• Self explanatory.

Well, I have rambled on enough. I was told I need to post more frequently and I don't want to use up all my good material (only?!?!) here, so until next time. Thanks for reading and feel free to fire me an email. The address is rob_paras@yahoo.ca.

Random thought of the day:

3 Million people take taxis per day here. I have nothing witty to say in regards to this, it's just staggering. Needless to say, you don't have to wait long for one...

Market Fun...

Well, it seems that some people actually are interested in this, so it looks like I have created a demon and the beast must fed (and I actually enjoy the attention and the chance to express my thoughts in written form. Look out Hemingway...)

Anyhoo, here is part of an email I sent to a buddy about my take on buying things at the market here:

Witty, witty. What I really want to find here is white guy town. Then I will fit in and not be charged the god damn tourist rate for everything...

Me: How much?
Chinese vendor: Normally I sell for 10,000RMB. I like you, you have good smile, I give good deal, only 8000RMB.
Me: What?!?! Its only an apple. I'll give you $1000RMB.
Chinese vendor: No,no. I make no money, I starve. 5000RMB.
Me: Nah, I'll just keeping looking.
Chinese Vendor: Okay, okay. You hard negotiator. I like you. I give one time price of 2500RMB.
Me: Mmmm, Nah.
Vendor (still chinese): Okay, okay, I make no money. My kid go hungry, but you good and I like you so I give you 1500RMB.
Me: Okay (thinking I struck myself a hell of a deal) and reluctantly pulling out the cash to fork over, which is quickly snatched by the vendor (yes he is still Chinese) who looks crest fallen, but is doing mental gymnastics over how big a sucker I am.

Same scenario, but for a local:
Chinese Guy: how much? (exact same apple)
Same chinese vendor: 5RMB.
Chinese guy: Eat sh*t and quit ripping me off.
Chinese vendor: Okay, okay, only 1RMB for you.

All in all, it's quite the experience. As long as your in the mood for it (ie: be pulled at, hugged, lied to, cursed at and generally accosted), you really can get some good deals. So far I've picked up 4 pairs of sneakers (DC, Adidas and Puma's) for $5 a pair, got seasons 1&2 of Heroes and 30 Rock and 2 movies for a total of $25. T shirts run about $2.

So, if you're interested in me picking up some thing for you I will walk down to the fashion market (10 minutes from my pad) and if I find it, I'll pick one up and send it to you. Special price, because I like you. You have good smile....

Random thought of the day:
Currently 675,000 cell phones are retired in Beijing per year (random fact from TV). In the 3 years that I am here (I hope, today anways), there will be enough "retired" phones here to give 2.02 phones to each Calgarian.

Ni Hao

Well, its officially been 3 weeks on the ground, and 2 weeks since I set this blog up, so I figured I should quit procrastinating and actually write something.

So, here we go. The first thing I should say is why I am doing this (besides the love of my own wit, especially in written form). Here they are:

1. I think it will be the best way for all (that means the 3 of you actually taking the time to read this) to keep in touch, stay abreast of my time and adventures in this wonderful, awe inspiring and somewhat terrifying place.
2. Seeing as I know no one, I have a lot of spare time to pontificate.
3. There is a certain therapeutic value in being able to explain, vent and generally spew diatribes that will help me keep my sanity while here
4. Some one said I should (and no I'm not making this up).

So now that's outta the way, here is the run down of what's been accomplished to date:

• Got a place in a building called Oakwood Residence. Its rad. Lots of cushy amenities and it turns out its a block away from the biggest bar/restaurant street in Beijing (Gotta be lucky to be good). And yes it has a spare room and yes you can stay.


• Started work. It's good. I was told "produce or you go", so there is no pressure. No that was not paraphrased.


• Tried every variety of Asian food possible. Top of the list is Kung Pao Chicken. No it's not like Chinese food back home and yes I have eaten freaky sh*t. The latest was pig's tail yesterday.


• Managed to FINALLY make it to the Great Wall. It's great and it's a wall, it's name is well chosen.


• Have gone to the markets (will explain that phenomenon later), and Walmart. Like the food, it's just not the same.


• My word count of Mandarin words is up to a whopping 6, and yes 4 revolve around food and booze.


• Yes, there is some culture shock, but luckily Beijing has enough white kid friendly stuff to keep me sane. It was summed up best to me by one expat as "every one has their China days", but for the most part, so far so good.


• Traffic here is dumbfounding. The following link sums it up nicely:
  http://soimgoingtochina.blogspot.com/2007/06/beijing-traffic-lesson-left-turn.html

Well, I think that is enough for now.
Rob

Random thought of the day (I spend a lot of time stuck in traffic):

There are currently 1.34 Billion people on main land China. If you were to try and high five (or punch in the head, depending on the day your having) every Chinese person here, given that it would take 2 seconds (to cock, lock and pop) each time to do so, it would take you 845 years to accomplish. Given the current average age expectancy of 67 years, it would take 12 people a life time to accomplish. I smell a challenge.